HeffBombs

Calling out the Right, Republicans and other jerks in politics

Meet Herman Cain

with one comment

The frontrunner for the GOP presidential nod has changed yet again.  Governor Rick “I can too debates!” Perry is last week’s news (so soon?  Awwww, say it a’int so!).  As if his actual policies weren’t enough to dissuade voters, Perry’s recent debate performance really killed it for him.  Consider the following example of dazzling wordplay (brace yourself!):

“I think Americans just don’t know sometimes which Mitt Romney they’re dealing with. Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of, against the Second Amendment before he was for the Second Amendment?  Was it, was before, he was before the social programs from the standpoint of – he was for standing up for Roe versus Wade before he was against first Roe versus Wade?  Him, he was for Race to the Top. He’s for ‘ObamaCare’ and now he’s against it. I mean, we’ll wait until tomorrow and, and, and see which Mitt Romney we’re really talking to tonight.”

Yes, lets wait until tomorrow to see who we’re talking to…tonight…idiot.

Now, republicans have a new favorite nutjob (besting Mitt Romney by a staggering 27% to 23%):  Godfather’s Pizza-magnate former Herman Cain.  Don’t know the name?  Maybe because he’s never held political office.  Oh, where do we begin with this guy?

  • Energy policy:  Herman Cain’s common-sense solution to the problem of illegal immigration?  A twenty-foot high electrified border fence, with U.S. troops patrolling it.  How about land mines?  Maybe a moat with alligators?  Heh …just kidding, he would never have said that…oh, right.
  • Video Game policy:  By now, you’ve probably heard of Mr. Cain’s “9-9-9” tax plan. wherein, to summarize, the poor pay more taxes and the rich pay less.  What you may not have heard, is that this “radical new idea” came from the default setting in the video game “SimCity 4”.  Hey, have you heard about Cain’s new zombie-killing policy?
  • Employment policy:  If you don’t live under a rock, you may have heard that a small protest in Manhattan dubbed “Occupy Wall Street” has ballooned into a global movement against economic inequality.  When asked his thoughts on some of the frustrations that may have led people to participate in these events, Cain responded:  “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”  Apparently, there are at least 31 million extremely high-paying job openings right now.  Who knew?  And those are just for the currently unemployed, of course.  Imagine how many more highly lucrative job openings there are for those if us who are already working!  All we have to do is try a little bit harder…
  • Recycling Policy:  Although, in his own words, Cain has “no idea” how his 9-9-9 policy would actually work, what he does know is that taxes will go up on most goods…but not used goods.  Therefore…(ready?)…poor people, struggling with rising food costs, should strongly consider “used goods”.  Like…used food…for example.  Just as good.

Thank you republicans…keep ’em coming.

They make me laugh…but also cry a bit.   If only one of these weirdos didn’t have a real chance of winning next year.  “The other guy is crazy” election strategy may not be enough.

Lets get ‘er done.

UPDATE:  Did you know that “a liberal court” killed Jesus?  Well, Herman Cain sure does.  Man, those uppity liberals, right?

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Written by D. Heffernan

October 17, 2011 at 1:33 am

One Response

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  1. All I can say is thank goodness the Dominionist Rick Perry and Michell Buckman are out of the race. A USA Christian Theocracy is not what the world needs now.

    Nicholas Smurthwaite

    October 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm


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