HeffBombs

Calling out the Right, Republicans and other jerks in politics

Nobody’s Hero: Meet Rick Santorum

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Hey, he won the Pennsylvania Straw Poll last month..that’s something.  Just because Herman Cain is getting all the attention right now (did you hear?  He has a secret plan to help the poor!), doesn’t mean we can’t ridicule this jackass, right.

We’ve seen this cast member of America’s most entertaining reality show the GOP presidential race before.  You may remember that he lost his Senate re-election campaign in 2006 by the LARGEST MARGIN EVER.  Undaunted, he’s baaaaack…joining the “Surely, SOMEONE on this stage can beat Obama” festivities that light up our screens every week.

Like many of our other “No, I’m the craziest” favorites – Michelle Bachmann, Herman Cain  – its hard to know where to begin with this guy.  But lets just dive right in:

  • Condoms are evil!  As self-deluded leader of America’s morality, Santorum’s top legislative priority is jobs…no, that’s not it.  Oh right, its sex (OH NO!  RUN!), specifically “the dangers of contraception” – keeping Americans from having it unless they are having babies.  Birth control, is, apparently, a “license to do things in a sexual realm“…I can’t even think of how to make that sound more funny than it already is.
  • Gay marriage will bring the apocalypse!  Continuing in his passionate fight for issues that don’t matter, Rick Santorum has pledged to “die on that hill” in the battle to “save” traditional marriage.  Just to reiterate, Rick Santorum is willing to die…not to defend our nation from foreign invasion, not to save an old lady from getting hit by a car…so two guys can’t marry each other.
  • Hate brings out the vote!  So, the republicans’ tireless obsession with illegal immigrants hasn’t exactly won them a lot of support among Hispanics in this country.  But Rick Santorum knows what to do:  Unite them in a crusade against gays!  Because if its one thing that brings people together, its hating other people.
  • We have to defend the private jet owners of America!  When President Obama suggested ending a tax break for owners of corporate jets, Rick Santorum went ballistic.  “Ugly”, “divisive”, and “acrimonious” was how he described his own hate-filled crusade against gays Obama’s idea that we can fund just a few more of our priorities by asking this very small constituency to pay a bit more to enjoy the benefits of federally-funded air traffic control.  Important note:  Rick Santorum has never looked in a mirror.
  • Saturday Night Live is mean!  Poor little Ricky!  I guess that when a long-running satirical show performs a sketch that pokes fun at a bigoted knucklehead who is attempting to foster a culture of hate and fear in our society, its called  “bullying“.

So many fruitcakes, so little time.  Who will be eliminated?  Will there be alliances, betrayals?  Who will get the final rose?  I’m waiting for that night on the town, when one of them gets really, really drunk and it teaches us all a lesson about friendships and personal issues.  And, the big question:  who will Snooki sleep with?

Wrong show?  Think again.

Stay tuned.

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Written by D. Heffernan

October 22, 2011 at 6:08 pm

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