HeffBombs

Calling out the Right, Republicans and other jerks in politics

GOP Sideshow Highlights

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What’s that?  You say you didn’t spend your Saturday night watching The Biggest Loser the Iowa GOP debate?  But there have only been 113 debates so far!  And only 429 to go!

Well, I’m with you.  Saturday night “primetime” scheduling aside, watching “highlights” is painful enough…but you can count on my willingness to suffer to bring you some of the choicest moments from America’s most fascinating reality show.

One could garner a general idea of the all-out-crazy to come just by reading the name of the event’s host:  the Family Leader.  This is a group run by Bob Vander Plaats, whose main mission in life seems to be using government funding (which he hates, HATES, I TELL YOU!) to oppose same sex marriage.  He is also a big fan of slavery:  “…sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.”

Yes, he really did go there.

Anyways, lets dive right in:

  • Biggest misunderstanding of the responsibilities of the job:  Rick Perry, who apparently feels that the Military should be an independent fourth wing of government, suggested that decisions about sending troops to war should NOT be made by “some Washington politician sitting in an air conditioned office.”  Perry, for the record, has pledged to use only a ceiling fan when he moves into the White House.
  • Biggest misinterpretation of the word “Supreme”:  If Herman Cain doesn’t agree with the Supreme Court (specifically, regarding the potential overturn of the Defense of Marriage Act), he’ll just “overturn” them.  You know, because the President has the final say on the constitutionality of U.S. law.  Oh, that pesky, pesky constitution.  It REALLY gets in the way of hating gay people.
  • Biggest panderer to the host:  Rick Santorum (granted, keeping to form), suggested that “Unless we protect the institution of marriage, our country will fail.”  Protect it, of course, not against a 50% divorce rate, but against two guys exchanging rings…oh, the horror…
  • Best audition for role of Ebenezer Scrooge:  Newt Gingrich, who has enjoyed a surge in the polls of late (mostly because other front-runners have been exposed as flaming trainwrecks), had this to say to protestors who dare to suggest that Wall Street and the top 1% of American income earners are getting all the breaks:  “go get a job right after you take a bath”.   Because the problem isn’t that we need more jobs in this country, its that the unemployed are letting their hygiene go.
  • Best Use of Planned Parenthood as Boogeyman:  Michele Bachmann, Evil Queen of CrazyTown, has identified the number one threat to America as Obama’s Health Care Plan because “Planned Parenthood now will be pushing chemical abortion and billing that to the federal government under preventative care.”  Oh yes, thats EXACTLY what’s going to happen.  The truth is…no.  NO!   You know what?  This is the problem.  The debate goes like this:  One person says something totally crazy, the other person spends their time attempting to correct the falsehood, and the headline reads “Planned Parenthood:  Are they pushing chemical abortion on unsuspecting women?  The debate continues…”  Better to just pat Ms. Bachmann gently on the hand, and ease her back into the straitjacket.

Ahhh…good times.  Ready for 14 more?

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Written by D. Heffernan

November 22, 2011 at 8:11 pm

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